CROW ATHLETICS Crow Enquirer

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Giant Wooly Lobster
DREADLOBSTERS
Discovery may lead to additional sponsorship of MDI Marathon
-Weekly World News
By DENNIS SPURLING

ARNOLD'S COVER, Labrador - "As big as a Buick!" That's how exuberant shell fisherman Bob Smedley described his terrifying catch after a battle that lasted nearly two hours.

"It wasn't just fierce - it was covered with long, coarse hair like porcupine quills," Smedley continued. "It scared the bejeepers out of me!'

While stories of giant, wooly lobsters have been bandied about northern docks for centuries, Smedley produced the first proof that the creatures are real. The wizened lobsterman roped and towed his prize to shore after an hour-long battle.

"Lucky I had my 30-30 Winchester with me in case of polar bears," said a still-excited Smedley. "It took seventeen shots to finally put him down."

Marine biologist Dr. Stanley Baer named the previously undocumented creature Fuzzinus Damnbigus and said global warming has raised sea temperatures sufficiently to thaw many more long-frozen colonies.

"This specimen's stomach contents included everything from sharks to well-chewed Speedos," Dr. Baer remarked. "We need to take this threat seriously."

While Smedley won't name the price, his mammoth catch has already been sold to an American food chain [Red Lobster?].

"I won't say who, but you can 'red' between the lines!'

Published: 10/2007, Copyright © 2000-2007 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved

FEATHERS FLY AT COUNCIL MEETING: COUNTY PASSES STRICT BIRD LAW
'Yield to Crows Law' expected to be on Hancock County ballot in November '08
-Weekly World News
By SARA MCCULLOUGH

SWALLOW SPRINGS, Ohio - Thanks to unprecedented legislation passed by county commissioners, wild turkeys, pheasants and other avian residents of Swallow Springs County Park are now free to cross the road.

"Drivers speed through this park like it's a raceway," complained Commissioner Grace Pearl. "No more."

Low-flying robins, waddling Mama Ducks and hummingbirds stretched across SUV grills, bumpers and headlights were one reason that animal activists sued the country, forcing it to implement bird-crossing signs.

"We've got people and deer crossing signs," said Pearl. "It was time."

Failure to yield guarantees the offending driver twenty hours of community service in this green-loving nature preserve that caters to animal inhabitants.

"And there's a side benefit," said Pearl. "Now, when a chicken decides to cross the road, motorists will have time to contemplate why."

Published on: 10/30/2007, Copyright © 2000-2007 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Soon Crows too will legally have the right-of-way

Suspected lead-paint-tainted Barbie dolls face firing squads in China.
CHINESE AUTHORITIES EXECUTE 10 MILLION RECALLED TOYS
Around MDI Relay 'Barbie' batons possibly included
-The Onion

BEIJING, China - In an attempt to assure the world's children that the millions of Chinese-made toys currently being recalled for containing toxic lead paint and tiny choking hazards can no longer hurt them, high-level Chinese officials announced Tuesday that millions of playthings are being rounded up and immediately put to death.

"We are committed to the well-being of children and putting the consumer's mind at ease," said Chinese president Hu Jintao at a press conference. "Boys and girls of the world, you need not worry. Your toys will be executed swiftly and harshly. When we are through, there will be nothing left to play with."

In the past six weeks, Mattel Inc. has recalled more than 20 million toys from China that are believed to contain lead paint and other safety defects, a situation that prompted the Chinese government to send People's Liberation Army forces into major industrial sectors to mercilessly slaughter any remaining items that have not been exported for sale overseas. So far, an estimated 9 to 10 million toys, from anonymous dolls and miniature cars to trademarked characters such as Thomas the Tank Engine, Curious George, and Big Bird have been reportedly kicked, smashed with rifles, shocked with electric batons, hanged, and pounded with nails, before having their ears severed and eyes gouged out, and then being shot.

"Believe me when I say you can sleep peacefully tonight," said Hu, who reportedly gave troops direct orders to force thousands upon thousands of Polly Pocket dolls to their knees, point assault rifles at the backs of their heads, and blow their toxin-filled skulls to bits. "We wish to reassure the world that we are taking care of this problem. We shall serve the young people." (more)

Published on: 09/24/2007, Copyright © 2007 Onion Inc. All rights reserved

NATION'S JOGGERS SICK OF FINDING DEAD BODIES
Backside Runner's Also Complain of Passed Out Drunks in Roadways
-The Onion

CHICAGO, Illinois - Citing the sobering statistic that over 10,000 of the 12,800 slayings in the United States in 2006 were reported by joggers, a national coalition of fitness enthusiasts called upon government officials Tuesday to impose measures that would reduce the likelihood of runners discovering lifeless bodies.

"We joggers have lives outside of finding violent-crime victims," said jogger Elizabeth Riccardi, who recently stumbled upon the remains of a double-pickax homicide while jogging around the Bartlett Reservoir near Scottsdale. "We're willing to cooperate with law enforcement, but we don't all have the time to be consoled with a blanket and a cup of coffee while some cop asks us the same tedious questions."

Riccardi said that some joggers have become so fed up with the dead-body encounters that they've been forced to run only on busy sidewalks, to the chagrin of pedestrians.

"I don't run through Lincoln Park after 6 p.m. anymore, I steer clear of that alleyway by the liquor store, and I definitely do not jog by the river at all," Chicago resident Chaz Montgomery said. "But, without fail, every few months I make another gruesome, routine-disrupting discovery."

"I just want a good cardiovascular workout," Montgomery added. "I never asked for this, not during an intense incline push or even a slow cooldown..." (more)

Published on: 02/12/2007, Copyright © 2007 Onion Inc. All rights reserved

Joggers at a press conference

BIG APPLE FACING NEW BOMB THREATS...
GIANT PIGEON TERRORIZES NEW YORK

Similar problem at home: Congregating GIANT CROWS cause crisis on Mount Desert Island
-Weekly World News
By BARRY DUTTON

NEW YORK, New York - The Pigeon problem in New York has gone from bad to worse with the arrival of a freakish 30- foot pigeon that soars over the city, leaving deadly droppings in its wake.

No one is sure where the big bird came from or how it grew to its current size. But every New Yorker knows to run for cover when it flies overhead.

"I was sitting on a park bench, reading the newspaper," tax attorney Jack Hanshee says. "Next thing I knew, my thousand-dollar suit was covered in bird poop."

Hanshee said he tried to get the suit dry-cleaned, but he couldn't get rid of the offensive stains. "I finally had to throw the suit away," he said.

Hanshee is just one of the many victims of the giant pigeon.

Published on: 01/05/2005, Copyright © 2000-2005 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved

TASTY EATS OR THREAT TO MANKIND? POTATOES DEVELOP INTELLIGENCE!
Extension workers from JAX discover running spuds in Idaho, is The County next?
-Weekly World News
By JESSICA DeBARRETT

CLARKE, Idaho - In a series of startling events, potatoes on farms in Idaho have suddenly developed intelligence and are on the move.

"I was cultivating the back row of taters when I saw them blinking their eyes and pointing their vines at me," said noticeably upset farmer Floyd Haywood. "I ran and got my boys but by then the spuds had stopped moving. They figgered I'd been sippin' potato moonshine until we went to harvest the crop. That was when those big Idahos -- there was seven of 'em -- just pulled themselves from the dirt and rolled into a gully to try and get away.

"We didn't even have time to scratch our heads," Haywood went on. "We chased them with a big burlap sack and overtook them before they could reach the road. Their roots were waving around like little fingers. We suspect they were gonna hitch a ride to Starchless County."

Haywood and his boys promptly called the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Soon the farm was crawling with scientists and feds.

Local Idaho DOA bureau chief, Dave Bauman, told Weekly World News, "This is not an isolated incident. Potatoes around the country have mutated and are on the move. There have been more than 20 cases this week alone... (more)

Published on: 12/14/2005, Copyright © 2000-2005 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved

competition for future runners?

"Local runner isolated, but happy."

Inferno possibly ignited by a starters pistol...
SUPER NOVA SCOTIA
Canadian province turned to ashes in radioactive inferno!
-Weekly World News
By PETE CORONA

HALIFAX, Nova Scotia - At 6:29 p.m. on October 31, the Canadian province of Nova Scotia disappeared.

"It vanished in a blinding flash of light," said Al Deberon, a spokesperson for Lieutenant Governor William Gassjiant. "Miles of beautiful towns and countryside evaporated without warning -- it was horrible.

"And yet," said Deberon, "we knew this would happen one day.

We asked Deberon to elaborate.

"When the area was first settled in 1610, they knew it was different," he said. "The colonists always heard crackling and sizzling under the surface. Centuries later, government scientists discovered that most of the province was sitting on a bed of fissionable uranium. By then, it was too late to simply move somewhere else. Maine was taken." (more)

Published on: 11/19/2005, Copyright © 2000-2005 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Rumor has it a local running club drank the Kool Aid...

6,000 RUNNERS FAIL TO DISCOVER CURE FOR BREAST CANCER
Perhaps cure will be locally at similar event?
-The Onion

ATLANTA, Georgia - Despite their diligent, dedicated running, the 6,000-plus participants in Sunday's 5K Race For The Cure did not find a cure for breast cancer.

Hopes were high, given the excellent weather and record turnout for the 11th annual event, but no viable cure for the disease was discovered along the 3.1-mile course.

"We were particularly hopeful of locating the cure somewhere around the two-and-a-half-mile mark," race organizer Jill Broadbent said. "At that point, the route goes right past Northside Hospital and within a block of several Emory University oncology facilities. That seemed the most promising place to perhaps spot a breast-cancer cure. Regrettably, the runners were unable to do more than momentarily glimpse in researchers' windows as they passed by."

At 10 a.m., participants gathered outside the Georgia Dome and proceeded to search through much of downtown Atlanta, including a one-mile stretch of Peachtree Road, before finishing cureless at the state capitol.

Among those disappointed by Sunday's failed attempt was Gene Worth, a Germantown, TN, real-estate agent who drove 450 miles to participate in his seventh Race For The Cure.

"I worked out for three months, focusing my full energies on preparing for this race," Worth said. "I switched to a vegan macrobiotic diet just to be in top shape. Three kilometers in, I felt great, like this was going to be the year we cured it. I did break my personal 5K record, but even that wasn't enough. Then, after I crossed the finish line, I watched other racers finish, but they came in empty-handed, as well." (more)

Published on: 11/14/2001, Copyright © 2001 Onion Inc. All rights reserved

Race For The Cure runners take off in search of a breast-cancer cure.